


Just like Olivia Pope.

by Thegreatsnotdragon



Series: Round Fish, Panda Sweaters and Whoopi Goldberg [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, And a nice person, And kind of a mess in this one, Angst, Cas is really bad at feelings, Don't Ask, He's a total mess, I know crazy right?, It just happened, M/M, Meg is a really good friend, Post-Break Up, Such angst, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, also apparently Cas watches Scandal, he needs to get his shit together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 16:31:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13768071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thegreatsnotdragon/pseuds/Thegreatsnotdragon
Summary: The worst night of his life.





	Just like Olivia Pope.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was always meant to be part of There are no round fish, but then this dummy went and wrote it all in Dean's POV, and it wouldn't have made sense to change for just one scene. Also it would have ruined all the tension, because you'd know exactly what Cas was thinking and feeling. But I still wanted to write it, and I finally did. If you want to read it as a standalone that's fine too, I don't really care about which order people read them in.

Castiel is spinning. Falling.

He feels now, all the things he’s kept under the surface for weeks. All the things he forgot were there.

He’s drunker than he’s been in years. But he still _feels_. And it’s terrifying.

He remembers Dean walking by him in class. His eyes, still the same, still kind, despite everything. _I want you I want you I want you I want you._

But Castiel couldn’t say it. Can’t. Because he broke everything. And Dean shouldn’t forgive him. Would be crazy to.

“Clarence? Why do you keep disappearing?”

Meg’s disembodied voice breaks into his awareness.

He was talking to someone he thinks. A guy. he’s not sure what he looked like. Or where he went. He doesn’t even know what they were talking about. A hand clasps his shoulder.

“I don’t know.” He mumbles.

Why does he keep disappearing? The question feels profound right now. God he’s drunk. He lets out a soft giggle.

“ _God_.” Meg groans, her voice beyond annoyed.

She’s been annoyed with him all night. She didn’t want to go out for starters. And she only came because he said he’d still go if she didn’t come. She’s been asking questions, questions Castiel doesn’t want to think about.

He’s being pulled into a car. On the ride home, Meg lets him lean his head on her shoulder even though she’s angry with him. They get out, and he lets Meg lead him to his room. No, not his room, this is her room. Why is he here?

“Because I want to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit or something.”

Oh. Ok. So apparently some of his internal monologue isn’t internal.

He wants not to think about Dean. He wants Dean. He wants a time machine, so he can go back, and undo everything. Unscrew everything. Why did he do it again? Why did he break up with Dean? He can’t remember. Something about the future, about how things couldn’t work out in the long run. That’s a stupid reason. It seemed like a good reason then, but it’s a stupid reason. Everything is stupid. Castiel is stupid. It’s weird how Dean could love him when he’s so fucking stupid. Stupid enough to throw away the best thing that ever happened to him. Well, it doesn’t matter, because he fixed that. He made sure Dean couldn’t possibly love him anymore. Fixed it. He’s a fixer. Like Olivia Pope. But stupider.

He feels wet streaks down his face, and realises he’s crying. He’s sitting in Meg’s bed alone, he thinks she might have gone to the bathroom or something. He needs to talk to Dean. He needs to fix it. Or unfix it. Whatever. He has so many things to say, so many words to put into sentences, to make Dean understand. Has to make Dean understand. He takes out his phone, and starts typing a message to Dean. There are a lot of messages from Dean that Cas never replied to. Because he’s stupid. He knows he had a reason, but it doesn’t matter, he just wants the pain to stop. He needs it to stop. He needs Dean, he needs to feel okay again. He’s so in love it hurts, and he needs Dean to know that. He types a really long message, but he’s frustrated because he doesn’t remember what it was he was trying to say. He knew a few seconds ago. But now he’s forgotten. He deletes all of it and starts again.  **I want you** , he types. No, no, it’s not right. **I miss you.** Closer. He hits send, and that exact second Meg comes back from the bathroom.

“What are you doing?”

“Texting.” He mumbles, trying to figure out what more he needs to tell Dean.

“Who are you texting?”

“Dean.”

“Why?” Her voice sounds too low, angry, accusing.

Why is she being so annoying? He doesn’t want to answer her questions, he doesn’t have time. He needs to tell Dean that he’s so sorry, and so wrong and so stupid. He’s just about to start typing again when his phone is snatched out of his hand.

“Do you want to get back together with him?” Meg asks eyes blazing, holding his phone in a tight grip.

Yes. Yes, that’s what he wants. He wants to feel Dean’s arms around him, he wants to breathe in his smell. But wait, he broke up with Dean. Why did he do that again? He had reasons, he remembers he had reasons. They were good reasons too, he remembers thinking they were good reasons. No they were stupid weren’t they? He can’t remember, everything feels like it’s slipping away.

“I don’t know…” He mumbles, running his fingers through his hair frustratedly.

“Well then you better figure it out before you start texting him!” Meg yells. “People have feelings you can’t ju-”

Her tirade is cut short by a buzzing sound. He looks up through heavy eyes, and it seems like it’s coming from his phone. Did he set an alarm? No it’s night, that doesn’t make sense. Meg takes one last frustrated look at him before going out the door, taking Castiel’s phone with her. Castiel lies back and stares at the ceiling, tears streaming down his face. And everything hurts. Everything hurts and it’s all his fault. He hears Meg’s voice floating in from the hallway outside, but he can’t make out words. He wants to get away, from what he’s done, from the mess he’s made.

He remembers, even though he doesn’t want to. He remembers how good it felt, when Dean touched him. How it was the most perfect feeling in the world. He remembers being in bed with Aaron, and trying so hard to want it, but in the end all he could do was try not to think or feel. But even that didn’t work, because Aaron could always tell. Touching Aaron was fine, but being _touched_ himself was what Castiel couldn’t take. And the dam burst. Eventually. In a cascade of tears down his cheeks. He thinks that would rank very high on the biggest mood killers of all time list.

He hadn’t thought about it beforehand, how different it would feel to be with Aaron. It was stupid, but so is Castiel. Gabriel once said he was like a robot, that had been given human emotion as a programming error, and now keeps forgetting he has them. Dean called him a robot too. And it _hurt._ He deserved it, deserved much worse, but it still hurt. And the look in his eyes when he said it hurt. Everything hurts.

Meg is back from wherever now, and she looks like she might yell more. But then she takes a look at him and just deflates. It’s probably hard to yell at someone this pathetic.

“Let’s just go to sleep,” She says in a tired voice, leaning down to tug her pants off before climbing into bed with him.

Castiel keeps crying, and Meg sighs and strokes his hair gently.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” She asks, and her voice isn’t even a little angry anymore.

“W-what?” He blubbers.

“Torturing yourself? And Dean. Someone out there loves you Clarence, he _loves_ you, and you miss him so much you can’t stop crying, so why aren’t you with him right now, down on your knees _begging_ him to take your sorry ass back?”

“He hates me now, h-he has to.”

“He loves you.”

“That doesn’t mean he’ll forgive me. _I ruined it._ ” A warm stream of tears make their way down his face. “I’ll die if I have to hear him say it. I know I did, I ruined it, and he should hate me, but I’ll die if I have to hear him say it.”

“First of all, _wow_ you’re a drama queen when you’re drunk, second of all; you won’t die, you’ll just want to die. But it doesn’t matter because he won’t say that. He still loves you, still wants you. _God fucking knows_ how, because if someone did to me what you did to him, I’d fucking stab them, but he still loves you.”

Castiel can only cry, and pray to God that she’s right. Because he’s so lost. And all he wants is Dean. He cries and cries, and eventually drifts off to sleep. But even in his dreams he’s lost. Spinning.

Falling.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed, please leave kudos of you feel like it and tell me your wonderful intelligent thoughts in the comments. Or stupid uninformed ones, they're fine too.


End file.
